The Late Show With Stephen Colbert : KPIX : November 28, 2024 11:35pm-12:37am PST : Free Borrow & Streaming : Internet Archive (2024)

>> congratulations on your large cash settlement. wow. >> i mean, i don't know how large, because he got off, but we are glad he is off the ride. >> mental anguish pretty easily. >> emotional trauma for life. >> you know i don't do roller coasters. >> no, no, no, no. >> on that note, happy thanksgiving. thank you for watching. the late show with stephen colbert is next. the news continues streaming on cbs news bay area. good night. >> she gave us everything she had. she made us proud.

and even though she wasn't victorious, her journey will inspire us for years to come. >> raygun has officially retired from competitive break dancing. >> thank you, raygun. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert!" tonight... red alert! plus, stephen welcomes paul bettany! and mike birbiglia! with special appearances by robert zemeckis and tom hanks! featuring louis cato and "the late show" band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ >> stephen: oh! thank you very much. please have a seat.

thank you very much. welcome. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. [cheering] i certainly hope you're all doing well. i know everyone's still in a state of shock. we're concerned for the future of our institutions and whether the country we all love is ever going to be the same. and sadly, these dramatic changes have already begun, because tgi fridays has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. what? but if there are no more tgi fridays, what are we gonna thank god for now? i don't understand. wednesday? we're too busy humping! god doesn't want to see that! i tell you what. but we should have known this was coming. the signs were all there. would a just and loving god

allow the existence of the cotton candy cosmo? when they heard this news, in solidarity, outback steakhouse has lowered their bloomin' onions to half mast. one complication of the bankruptcy is tgi fridays is worried it won't have enough cash if customers redeem $50 million in outstanding gift cards that don't expire. so the greatest threat tgi friday's is facing is that someday it might occur to people to dine there. 50! 5-0 million. that $50 million in gift cards may soon be worthless, but don't worry, you can always use them at tgi friday's sister restaurant: "aah [bleep]. it's monday!" [cheers and applause]

delicious. you ever been to that one? so if this is the end, let us say goodbye to tgi friday's. rest in peace, loaded potato skins, whiskey-glazed sesame strips, boneless buffalo shrimp, bone-full electric tater, cheddar baked boneless bones, bourbon-battered maple loaded beer-fried donkey poppers, paint-splashed basket skunk, and honey-drunk... and honey-drunk monkey nuts. mmm. you know why i'm laughing at the monkeys. and remember, no matter what happens, it will always be friday in here. it's also day 2 of trump being president-elect again. [booing] yeah. but he's already reaping the benefits.

for instance, the doj is moving to wind down his criminal cases before he takes office, both the january 6th case and the classified documents trial. so after years of investigation into trump's many crimes -- including trying to overthrow the u.s. government -- everything is just totally cool. it reminds me of that classic song, "i fought the law, and what? i won!? how is that possible?" this disturbing legal precedent has already spawned a slew of new crime dramas. >> tonight, cbs has all your police procedural programs. first it's swat. then on ncis, jessica knight tracks down a cannibal just in time but in a shocking twist, the cannibal is elected president. stay tuned for 60 minutes. his first interview since p diddy launched his presidential campaign. >> stephen: smart. we still don't know the entire parade of clowns, degenerates, and in-laws that trump will have

running this country. but one guy we know will have a major role is rfk, jr. now, if you're not familiar with him, it's probably because he ran for president and nobody cared. but we're familiar with him, because he's done a whole mess of crazy stuff including, but not limited to, admitting to dumping a dead bear in central park as a prank, living with an emu who would regularly attack his wife, owning tworavens who meditate with him every morning, bragging about his freezer full of roadkill, and beheading a whale, then strapping it to the roof of his minivan for a five-hour drive home. now, that sounds deranged. but he actually has a good reason for all of this. "a worm got into his brain and ate a portion of it and then died." so naturally, this whale-decapitating, bear-dumping, walking, talking worm cemetery is who donald

trump wants to put in charge of our nation's health. here he is last week. >> robert f. kennedy cares more about human beings and health and the environment than anybody. i'm going to let him go wild on health. i'm going to let him go wild on the food. i'm going to let him go wild on medicines. >> stephen: oh, good. 'cause that's exactly how i like my medicine: "wild." it's just like the directions on the pill bottle say. "go crazy balls every 2-4 hours with food." right? just freak out. freak out twice a day. i got something. and rfk jr. is ready for his wilding. here he is yesterday talking about food deregulation. >> why do we have froot loops in this country that have 18 or 19 ingredients, and you go to canada and it's got two or three. >> stephen: now, i'm not the smartest guy in the room.

there are no worms lining up to eat portions of my brain, but i went to the kellogg's canada website, and it turns out canadian froot loops actually have 26 ingredients! and that doesn't even count the gravy, which canadians use to make frootine. [applause] thank you. trump's election may also impact the war in ukraine. right now, his buddy putin's running so low on manpower that according to the pentagon, north korea has sent 10,000 troops to russia. and so far, they seem to be having a pretty good time. because while russian internet access isn't exactly a free-for-all, it's freer than in north korea, and thanks to their newfound online freedom, north korean troops are "gorging on pornography." well, in that case, welcome, north korean soldiers, to the world of tomorrow! since you're newbies,

i wanna give you a little bit of advice. you're gonna see a bunch of pop up ads for single milfs in your area. but just know: they are totally real. most of the milfs are hiding in ukrainian tanks. and if you want a glimpse, you just gotta look at the really long peephole at the front of the tank. and then knock on the armor and say 'give it to me!' [cheering] personally, i find it comforting to know that if -- god forbid -- we ever go to war with north korea, we can completely derail their military advance by dropping one dog-eared copy of a december 1998 "hustler." sex isn't the only thing that's sure to amaze north koreans. they'll be awe-struck that in america, one man can be a doctor, a soldier, a lawyer, a priest, and even a pizza delivery guy.

of course, in north korea, their porn's a little different. when the pizza guy shows up, and they just eat the pizza. i'm sure you're saying, you're saying, "is this really that big of a story?" yes, helen, it is. in fact, a reporter asked about it at a pentagon briefing and was told the defense departmen couldn't verify "any north korean internet habits or virtual extracurriculars." making this the first time a u.s. intelligence agency has been thwarted by incognito mode. but you know what? enough about porn, let's talk sex. there's a scandal rocking equatorial guinea. for those of who who don't remember where that is, it's the guinea on the equator. anyway, their top financial investigator is a guy named baltasar ebang engonga. and he's in some hot water after more than 400 of his sex tapes have leaked out, some of them with wives and relatives of senior government officials.

so one thing we know about engonga, ebang. [applause] ebang. ricky martin, right? let's take a look at the randy finance minister. okay. gotta say, that looks like a man with 400 sex tapes. he's holding up that one finger to represent the number of women in equatorial guinea that he has not had sex with. you know what i mean? you know what i'm saying? you know what i'm saying? by the way, most of these sex tapes and this is true, were filmed in his office. so authorities have announced plans to install surveillance cameras in government offices. "you listen up, mister, if you don't stop making these sex tapes, we will install more cameras from every angle, and if

that doesn't work, we're going to fill your desk with so much lube." at the end of the day, folks, despite trump's election, we have to remind ourselves that right now, at this very moment, we're all okay. there's no reason to panic. except for the fact that 43 monkeys escaped a south carolina research facility. now, no one knows how this happened, but one theory is that the facility was researching how quickly it could lose 43 monkeys. the lab, owned by the completely benign-sounding alpha genesis corporation is located on south carolina's morgan island, known as "monkey island." or, as it will soon be called, "island." now, if you live -- anyone watching tonight, if you live in the monkey-affected area, police strongly advise you keep your doors and windows secured. adding, "but please keep your doorbell cameras on, 'cause what if they start humping your old

jack-o-lantern. that would be hilarious." we could sell that footage to north koreans. [cheers and applause] let's turn a buck on this. as of this morning, none of the 43 monkeys had been captured. although one witness said he saw them all bouncing on the bed, one by one, falling off and bumping their head. sadly, they are not listening to what the doctor said. so, for now, these monkeys are gone. they've off the grid, leaving their troubles behind. to that, i have only one thing to say. ♪ i wanna be ♪ ♪ where the monkeys are ♪ ♪ i wanna see them ♪ ♪ spreading rabies ♪ ♪ biting a poodle with ♪ ♪ what's the word ♪ ♪ teeth ♪ ♪ out where they screech ♪ ♪ out where they fling ♪ ♪ 43 monkeys doin' their thing ♪

♪ scampering free ♪ ♪ ooh-ooh eee-eee ♪ ♪ feces they hurled ♪ we got a great show for you tonight! my guests are paul bettany and mike birbiglia. but when we come back, i take you behind the scenes for a thrilling reboot of "the late show" with director robert zemeckis. join us, won't you? ♪ ♪ hey! on the mountain, we've got a saying: “get off your—”

(donkey hee-haws) (multiple caps being twisted off) citrusy. ahhhhhhhh! (♪♪) (crash) touchdown! (♪♪) mountaaaain dew! -bye honey. -(groans) morning breath, huh. dr. garcia? wooo. ♪♪ that's millions of bacteria growing overnight. crest pro-health helps prevent oral health issues before they start. i'm so much fresher. crest. i'm an overworked elf. here you go boss. whoaaa. and if your devices aren't protected, you'll be ho ho so out of luck. protect your portable devices from holiday mayhem with a walmart protection plan by allstate. if you're living with hiv, imagine being good to go without daily hiv pills. ♪♪ good to go binge-watch. ♪♪ good to go out even later.

♪♪ with cabenuva, there's no pausing for daily hiv pills. for adults who are undetectable, cabenuva is the only complete, long-acting hiv treatment you can get every other month. it's two injections from a healthcare provider, as few as 6 times a year. don't take cabenuva if you're allergic to its ingredients, or taking certain medicines, that may interact. serious side effects include allergic reactions or rash, post-injection reactions, liver problems, and depression. if these occur, get medical help right away. tell your doctor about your medicines or supplements, medical conditions, liver or kidney problems, mental health, pregnancy, and breastfeeding. the most common side effect is injection site reaction ♪♪ with cabenuva, you're good to go. without daily hiv pills. talk to your doctor about switching. when we started feeding bogie the farmer's dog, he lost so much weight. pre-portioned packs makes it really easy to keep him lean and healthy. in the morning, he flies up the stairs and hops up on my bed.

in the past, he would not have been able to do any of those things. why just give a gift, when you can give a gift with meaning? shutterfly, make something that means something. enjoy 40% off your order with code gifts40. order now for holiday delivery.

covid-19? i'm not waiting. if it's covid, paxlovid. paxlovid is an oral treatment for adults with mild-to-moderate covid-19 and a high-risk factor for it becoming severe. it does not prevent covid-19. my symptoms are mild now, but i'm not risking it. if it's covid, paxlovid. paxlovid must be taken within the first five days of symptoms, and helps stop the virus from multiplying in your body. taking paxlovid with certain medicines can lead to serious or life-threatening side effects or affect how it or other medicines work, including hormonal birth control. it's critical to tell your doctor about all the medicines you take because certain tests or changes in their dosage may be needed. tell your doctor if you have kidney or liver problems, hiv-1, are or plan to become pregnant, or breastfeed.

don't take paxlovid if you're allergic to nirmatrelvir, ritonavir, or any of its ingredients. serious side effects can include allergic reactions, some severe like anaphylaxis, and liver problems. these are not all the possible side effects so talk to your doctor. if it's covid, paxlovid. ask your doctor today. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody. give it up for louis cato and "the late show" band. folks, you know i love the movies. it's the only socially acceptable excuse to sit in the dark and eat out of a bucket. and one filmmaker i've always loved is robert zemeckis. bob's directed everything from "back to the future," to "who framed roger rabbit" and has been a constant collaborator with mr. tom hanks.

together, they've made "forrest gump," "castaway," "polar express," pinocchio" and their most recent project, "here." i've always wondered "what if robert zemeckis had a chance to direct an episode of the late show." i can't believe he is directing. he's made iconic films. flight, death becomes her, welcome to marwan. easily one of my top five movies set in marwan. i immediately gave him fullúrei. what ever he wants to do. i just had one small request. >> stephen wanted me to give him jessica rabbit's phone number.

i don't know he knows cartoons aren't real. >> stephen: of course i know cartoons aren't real. who is doing a comedy bit like you would see in a cartoon which is like a regular movie about films differently. different camera i'm guessing. >> i wanted to try something different with stephen's monologue and i thought why talk about the news when i can put them in the news, just like i did and forrest gump with tom hanks meaning the presence and during the dick cavett show with john lennon. >> stephen: i love this idea i said go ahead, take my digital image and use it wherever you want. more time for me to kick back and eat some chili dogs. >> that digital composite works requires painstaking accuracy on the part of the actor unfortunately stephen was eating a chili dog. seamlessly integrated stephen into some of the biggest events of taken place after

forrest gump like the situation room when they got bin laden. the market crash of 2008. the royal wedding and even the most historically significant moment of the past 20 years. >> please welcome... the wickedly talented one and only... >> when it came time to do the segment i wanted to add visual flair and in my new movie "here," amazing sense of intimacy having the stories at one location with a camera but never moved so i thought let's try that. this is what i call a shot. this camera is not going anywhere. >> stephen: bob, i don't understand.

this is the framing? you can't even see my face. >> it's going to be great. just sit down. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guests tonight are three people i never expected to appear on "the late show" certainly not together. please welcome taylor swift, michael jordan, and his holiness pope francis. what a treat, what an honor. have got to say i did not expect the face tattoo. >> one movie of mine that has a special place in my heart is "cast away." i explore what isolation can do to a manner how the human spirit fights to survive. i love grappling with those themes. >> stephen: there is green screens and blue screens. what's the difference? >> they are important. >> stephen: bob, the doors locked. >> he took the whole thing surprisingly well.

stephen, you can come out now. >> stephen: i don't need to come out now, bob. i've got everything i need. >> i see you have made a friend out of a volleyball. >> stephen: this is my wife, bob. >> you married a volleyball? >> stephen: i had to after she became pregnant with our twins, spaldingand titleist. i brought-dogged a volleyball. >> he was only there for an hour. >> not only a director, technical innovator. >> used state-of-the-art technology to have tom hanks play a conductor to a little boy to santa claus. and action! >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." join us next week when my guests will be -- >> do you really want me to just sit here? don't talk, tom. >> stephen: so unprofessional. >> hey, that's hot.

>> suddenly my time at the late show was over. >> stephen: bob, thanks for everything. >> you're welcome, it was a great experience. >> stephen: i was wondering if i can ask you favor. >> let me guess you want to use the delorean to go back in time to see the beatles play at the ed sullivan. whatever you do, don't talk to anyone, don't touch anything, don't interact. those haven't been changed since 1985. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

[screaming] >> stephen: oh! [groaning] ringo, paul, oh, my god, paul is dead. for real this time. i accidentally killed the beatles. wait, wait, wait, if the beatles never played ed sullivan then the whole timeline changes. great scott! it's like i'm being erased from existence. but then who's going to host my show in the future? >> that's "the late show." my guests will be -- >> stephen: tom, my arms are getting tired. >> desks don't talk, stephen. >> stephen: zemeckis! thank you to robert zemeckis and tom hanks. go see "here!" we'll be right back with one of the stars of "here," paul bettany.

♪ ♪ to the inconsiderate monster who has been stealing my pudding, i hope your conscience eats at you as you have eaten my pudding. bring my pudding back. i wish you the worst. dale. [click] [click] [swoosh] beautiful words. i'm sorry. thank you. ♪ i am genius (whoaaa) ♪ [♪♪] did you know, how you feel can be affected by the bacteria in your gut? try new align yogurt coated probiotic fruit bites. with a delicious apple and blueberry-flavored fruit center and yogurt coating, each bite is infused with added probiotics, to help promote a healthy digestive system every day. plus, they're packaged in individually-wrapped pouches, for daily digestive support on the go. look for new align yogurt coated probiotic fruit bites online and in the digestive care aisle of your local retailer.

brand power, helping you buy better. (marci) what is going on? (luke) people love how the new homes-dot-com helps them get quick answers about any property by connecting them to the actual listing agent. (agent) oh! so, i'm done? (luke) oh, no, no, no! we're still not sure everyone knows that we're the only site that always connects you to the listing agent rather than selling off your contact info. so, we're gonna keep you up there a little while longer. (agent) okay, ya! i'm getting great exposure. (marci) speaking of exposure, could we get him a hat? (luke) ooo, what about a beret? (vo) homes-dot-com. we've done your home work. [car horn] i'm the team mascot, and boy, am i running late. but i've got lead in my foot and spirit in my fingers. [cheering] [car rev] ha, ha, what a hit! and if you don't have the right auto insurance coverage, the cost to cover that... might tank your season. ♪♪ so get allstate, save money on auto insurance and be protected from mayhem, like me. [whoo]

[cheering] want to shop walmart black friday deals first? walmart+ members get early access to our hottest deals. join now, and get 50% off a one-year membership. for the deals you desire, join walmart+ today. and shop walmart black friday deals first. ♪♪

♪ ♪ hope >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight an actor from

"avengers: infinity war," "a very british scandal," and "wandavision." his new film is called "here." please welcome back to "the late show," paul bettany. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> paul: hi, guys. it's me! hooray! >> stephen: it is paul bettany to save the day. i was wondering how you are because when i got up yesterday, someone was asking what's the first thing i thought of when i woke up yesterday. the first thing i thought of, how is paul bettany taking all of this? how is this affecting paul bettany? >> paul: to be honest, i haven't been watching the news. i've been taking a break. did biden win? what's going on? where are we? >> stephen: yeah, yeah.

>> paul: that's so sweet. >> stphen: i'll send you an email. >> paul: you know really here's honestly what i think. in the immortal words of people from my own country, chumbawamba, on their seminal album "tubthumper," i get knocked down but i get up again. you know what i mean? >> stephen: let me counter. let me counter with another great quote from "tubthumping." we drink a whiskey drink. we drink a vodka drink. we drink a cider drink. we drink a longer drink. we sing songs about the good times. we sing songs about the better times. >> paul: that's the whole thing. the other thing is my mate don cheadle said to us, he said look, you get knocked down. take the eight count you get up

before you hit ten, you know. we are going to get out, right? we're going to get up before we hear ten and we go again. >> stephen: one thing i like about you is that you've been in the states for a long time. but after the election of 2016, you became an citizen. you saw what was going on in america and you went "i walked in." >> paul: that's my guy! [laughs] finally, i feel seen. >> stephen: someone who gets me. that's fantastic. did any of the things we learned in the last eight years included on the citizenship. like he is the president immune from prosecution or anything? how hard is that test? what's the toughest question? >> paul: the most salient question is who is above the law? no one is above the law. >> stephen: is that on the test? >> paul: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: really? that's on the citizen ship test? the supreme court would not pass the citizenship test?

i want to talk about your lovely wife, the wonderful actress jennifer connelly. there she is running the new york marathon. that's impressive. first time she did it? would you ever do it? have you ever done it? >> paul: no, no, no this was hard enough. watching was hard enough. it was a real struggle. it's a struggle to make it -- she had run the marathon. >> stephen: it was a challenge to make it about you since she was the one running? did you cheer her on in the vision out for to try to get attention? >> paul: i didn't do that. i thought i was just going to go to the vip tent at the end but she was running for memorial sloan-kettering so she wanted me to be at 67th street. once you get the 67th street and you wave and she runs by, you've got to make it to the finish

line. central park. >> stephen: where in central park? >> paul: broadway and 62nd. >> stephen: you had to walk five blocks?& >> paul: okay. hear me out. i was actually on 67th. the humiliating date of this is that when i received my wife running through the finish line, my iphone went off and it was alerting me that i'd had the most exercise i've had this year. [laughter] spectating. watching my wife. >> stephen: you were peaking, your aerobic peak. did you support her during the training? >> paul: no, no, no. >> stephen: get her a glass of water or anything. >> paul: i may have gotten her a glass of water. >> stephen: it's a good feeling on marathon day. being out there with other

new yorkers. >> paul: everyone is so nice to each other. it doesn't feel like new york. >> stephen: a lot of people there are new yorkers. >> paul: that's what it is. you see people struggling and you're like "you've got this." i'm thinking "no, you don't got this." >> stephen: we're going to take a quick break but we'll be right back with more paul bettany, everybody. stick around. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ have you always had trouble with your weight? same. discover the power of wegovy®. with wegovy®, i lost 35 pounds. and some lost over 46 pounds. and i'm keeping the weight off. i'm reducing my risk. wegovy® is the only weight-management medicine proven to reduce risk of major cardiovascular events such as death, heart attack, or stroke in adults with known heart disease and obesity. don't use wegovy® with semaglutide or glp-1 medicines, or in children under 12. don't take if you or your family had mtc, men 2, or if allergic to it. tell your prescriber if you are breastfeeding, pregnant, or plan to be. stop taking and get medical help right away

if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, or any of these allergic reactions. serious side effects may include pancreas inflammation and gallbladder problems. call your prescriber if you have any of these symptoms. wegovy® may cause low blood sugar in people with diabetes, especially if you take medicines to treat diabetes. call your prescriber about vision changes, if you feel your heart racing while at rest, or if you have mental changes. depression or thoughts of suicide may occur. common side effects include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, stomach pain, flu, or upset, headache, feeling tired, dizzy, or bloated, gas, and heartburn. some side effects lead to dehydration, which may cause kidney problems. with wegovy®,... ...i'm losing weight,... ...i'm keeping it off,... ...and i'm lowering my cv risk. check your coverage before talking to your prescriber about wegovy®. marshalls buyers travel far and wide to hustle the best deals on amazing holiday gifts, so you don't have to. ( ♪♪ )

we get the deals. you gift the good stuff. ♪ i'mma give you what you want ♪ oh... stuffed up again? so congested! you need sinex saline from vicks. just sinex, breathe, ahhhh! what is — wow! sinex. breathe. ahhhhhh! depend keeps you drier than ever... so you can say yes to more than ever. yes yes yes no. depend, the only thing stronger than us, is you. (music plays throughout) ok, ebay. the place for pre-loved and vintage fashion. ebay. things. people. love.

deep breath. the place for pre-loved a cancer is a journey you don't take alone. you did it! our cancer care team works together to care for all that is you. (♪♪) no! leonidas. no, no, no, no! ikea? ikea! shop a more convenient ikea with affordable delivery options and more. they get here thursday. (♪♪)

>> stephen: hey, everybody. we are back with one of the stars of the new film "here," mr. paul bettany. we have the new film here. it's in theaters. can you tell us what it's about? >> paul: absolutely not. yes, i can. >> stephen: i want to warn you we have had bob zemeckis, robin wright and tom hanks here so you have to tell us what it's about better than those three people. >> paul: that's rough. okay, so i played tom hanks' dad for a start so i'm like america's granddad at this point. it's really odd. he plays my son. it's a movie that is set in one house over multiple generations in one living room and it's one frame. sometimes the house will be there. sometimes household be there. sometimes there will be a dinosaur. sometimes there will be the colonial house being built. >> stephen: throughout all of time. what happen from this point of view.

>> paul: one frame.3 >> stephen: i want to talk about you being tom hanks' dad. this shot gives me so much joy. here you are. as you come as far as i can tell. you are basically your age presently. tom hanks is playing your son at like 20 or something. >> paul: correct. i was shouting at him. it's tom hanks. >> stephen: he doesn't look like this to you. it's tom hanks. >> paul: it felt really, really weird. it was really hard to do. because you're shouting and america's dad. he looks a little bit older than me. and then we had these monitors that would show you how it was actually going to look. because it's happening in real time. >> stephen: bob zemeckis is able to watch you right there in video village. >> paul: walk around behind the camera. we look. it's young tom hanks and it's me screaming at this 19-year-old kid for messing up. >> stephen: do they age you or

deage you? >> paul: they deaged me. 23. >> stephen: what was that like? >> paul: i had an existential crisis. >> stephen: why? >> paul: because i am looking, there's one monitor looking like i looked and there is one monitor with me looking 23 years old. i recognize the 23-year-old. it looked more real to me than the [mumbles]. >> stephen: people have different ideas. how old do you see yourself? 23? >> paul: when i wake up i think of myself as 40 and if i've had a drink i think of myself... >> stephen: 2nd? >> paul: 25?

>> stephen: about 40 years old. >> paul: i read that people think they are 15 years younger. >> paul: i am 60. i feel about 45. that's about right. was that a good feeling? >> paul: no, it was awful. >> stephen: did you want to say anything to that 23-year-old? were you a happy 23-year-old? >> paul: honestly i would say is 95% of the things that you're going to worry about aren't going to happen. that's what i would say. >> stephen: that's nice. when he think of the fact that he became an american citizen? >> paul: i think it would totally have made sense to him. >> stephen: what would he make of the fact that you marry jennifer connelly. >> paul: [laughs] [laughter] like, people think donald trump is the biggest scam artist in the world. but dude.

>> stephen: she's not onto you yet? >> paul: she figured it out. i married her really quickly. she heard the british accent. she thought i was super clever, well read and well-educated and i went in there and sealed the deal and i've been watching the light die in her eyes. for our whole marriage. [laughter] >> stephen: we all see that. we all see that light die, my friend. "here" is in theaters now. the man is paul bettany, everybody. we'll be right back with mike birbiglia.

can your pad absorb everything and stay fresh? always flexfoam can. it's the only pad made with a flexible foam core that locks in blood and sweat while the top stays dry. keeping you up to 100% leak and odor free. see what foam can do for you. (♪♪) you could waste money on bottled water. or you could switch to brita and save $240 a year. which you could spend... however you want. clearly brita ♪ like a relentless weed, moderate to severe ulcerative colitis symptoms

can keep coming back. start to break away from uc with tremfya... with rapid relief at 4 weeks. tremfya blocks a key source of inflammation. at one year, many people experienced remission... and some saw 100% visible healing of their intestinal lining. serious allergic reactions and increased risk of infections may occur. before treatment, your doctor should check you for infections and tb. tell your doctor if you have an infection, flu-like symptoms or if you need a vaccine. healing is possible with tremfya. ask your doctor about tremfya today. ♪ i'm an overworked elf. here you go boss. whoaaa. and if your devices aren't protected, you'll be ho ho so out of luck. protect your portable devices from holiday mayhem with a walmart protection plan by allstate. (background noises) (donkey grunts)

hey! on the mountain, we've got a saying: “get off your—” (donkey hee-haws) (breeze blows) (multiple caps being twisted off) citrusy. ahhhhhhhh! (♪♪) (crash) show-off! (♪♪) mountaaaain dew! look at this skin baby! she is glowing. she is 1 of 1! olay hyaluronic body wash has 10x more vitamin b3 complex. for visibly-nourished skin. my skin is so much more moisturized. olay body wash and lotion. discover yours.

>> stephen: there you go. welcome back, everybody. folks, my next guest tonight is a comedian whose latest one-man show, "the good life," will be coming to the beacon theatre here in new york city. please welcome back to "the late show," mike birbiglia. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] nice to see you again. >> mike: thanks for having me. >> stephen: the last time we were together, these people may not know this but the last time we were together was a completely different context. >> mike: i remember.

>> stephen: here we are. we went to meet the pope in june. at vatican city, like you do. >> mike: like one does. whatever i tell people this, they think i'm joking for about 5 minutes. it's a true story. >> stephen: here we are. here is us. there is tig notaro, there is you, there's jimmy fallon, chris rock, and there's me. and that's the pope. this guy is the pope. >> mike: that's pope francis. >> stephen: i don't think you and i have had enough of a chance to talk about it since this happened because we scattered to the wind. >> mike: we haven't unpacked it. i got a call, we went in june. i got a call in may from our friend jim gaffigan. >> stephen: jim gaffigan reached out to you. we split up the list. i got an email in march. i got an email in mid-march from

father jim martin who was there with us and he said the pope wants to meet some comedians. there is a father jim martin fan. i don't blame them. >> mike: the gym martin heads in new york are on believable. >> stephen: the pope wants to meet some comedians. >> mike: here's where i think all it is suspicious. jim and calls me in may. i feel like there was an april list. i feel like i was at the bottom of the list. >> stephen: i did know he was roping in jim gaffigan to do this. he called me and said would you do it and i had sent him a list of 40 people a couple days later and i want you to know, look at my list. look at that. mike birbiglia is between will ferrell and patton oswalt. these two stars, one means i know this person personally in the second means they are a top choice. >> mike: that's so beautiful. thank you so much. >> stephen: do you want to see who else is on the list? >> mike: sandra bullock. [laughs] this goes against my theory

entirely. my theory was that an april list and called a bunch of people and they said no and the pope was googling comedian and with his dell laptop and some maintenance closet at the vatican. his name is bergoglio. he goes by pope francis. my last name, in my mind i would thought he was thinking he is a birgbiglia. of course that's not how he speaks. >> stephen: lower register. >> mike: i don't even know if you would say he's italian, he's from buenos aires. >> stephen: italian family, italian household in buenos aires. >> mike: i don't know if the

comic community has signed off on the buenos aires accent yet so until then, mama mia! >> stephen: that's spooky. >> mike: dead ringers. >> stephen: incredible experience. we have a video review meeting the pope. jim, can we roll this? there you go. here you are. you took your lacquered. there is tig notaro. >> mike: i held it up, i said i am birbiglia. you are bergoglio. i said i'm the next pope. i don't know if he understood me. but he laughed and i'll take it. i had concerns. i was raised very catholic, as you were. but i haven't kept up. i went to catholic school. you can tell when people want to catholic school because they are

atheists. but i do have concerns about the church. all of us have question certainly but i was very moved by his speech. he gave a speech. >> stephen: it was really lovely speech. he basically said what you do is good for people, make them smile. it's like a blessing from god and it's okay to make fun of religion and make fun of god. i loved that part. people are like, who do you want as a guest. i would love to have jesus on because i want to say, do you have a sense of humor? because if not, i am [bleep]. >> mike: you're absolutely right. >> stephen: there was 130 comedians there that day. 48 were italian. >> mike: is that what it was? >> stephen: they are not that much funnier than we are. they were from all over the world. comedians are essentially iconoclasts.

we are all playing a little cool and then the doors open another pop comes in and we all went "whoa!" what is happening to us? >> mike: i think as comedians we thought -- but was chris rock and julia louis-dreyfus. conan o'brien. david sedaris. i think we all thought we are going to speak with the pope and that not what happened. >> stephen: the impression that i got from father jim was we were going to hang with the pope. >> mike: we were going to have a chat. but it was more like the pope spoke at us about comedy. it's like, that's an example of power corrupting. if you get so good as a priest the relay, i should give a speech to chris rock about comedy, you know i mean? it's like me showing up to nasa, i've got some thoughts on rockets. i think we should build them and then fly them. but never on the outside like in cartoons.

>> stephen: this i love. this is a wonderful special that you did on netflix called "the old man and the pool" which i watched with my daughter. >> mike: that's nice. the beacon theater in june which i'm going back in march. it's 500 copies, just came out today. >> stephen: you are releasing this on vinyl. >> mike: on vinyl today. on my site. i love comedy records. i love listening to comedy specials. i used to listen to richard pryor albums, steve martin albums. my favorite way to take in comedy specials, listening. >> stephen: just being with a comedian, so much better if i don't look at you. >> mike: i accept this. after all i've had about the church, accept this criticism. i joined the stephen colbert

cult. >> stephen: mike, lovely to see you. tickets for "the good life" at the beacon theatre are available now. mike birbiglia, everybody. we'll be right back.

(♪♪) make the most of your season during the kia season of new traditions sales event. gift yourself some savings and visit your local kia dealer today. look out for these stickers to find great deals on vehicles backed by a 10-year, 100,000-mile limited powertrain warranty so you can start new traditions for years to come. get 1.9% apr for up to 60 months, plus $1,000 retail bonus cash on specially tagged 2025 sportage and sorento vehicles.

good night.

tv

Actor Paul Bettany; actor Mike Birbiglia; filmmaker Robert Zemeckis.

Notes

This material may be protected by copyright law (Title 17 U.S. Code).

info Stream Only